Hey Look Mom

An enthusiastic Davey climbed out of his booster seat yesterday and ran to the bottom of the stairs that lead up to our home. I had just confirmed that yes, we were indeed having hot dogs for lunch, and he was psyched.

He paused at the bottom of the stairs. Without missing a beat, he tugged down his shorts and underwear, and proudly proclaimed, "Hey Mom look how short my pee-pee is!"

A barely-holding-it-together mom quickly encouraged her confident son to pull his pants back up amid spurts of laughter. He casually covered up and said, "Ha ha Mom, I'm a funny guy! I pull my pants down outside - I'm so funny!"

Yes, son, yes you are. And apparently the huge strides we are finally making in the potty training realm are giving him overwhelming confidence in his, ahem, equipment.

Here's hoping there are no repeat performances at church!

Of Changes and Autism

A few weeks ago the Nerd and I met up with all of the Beast's teachers to discuss his IFSP (Individualized Family Service Plan) for the upcoming year. I came prepared with a whole list of questions and things I felt our Beast needed to work on. Overall, the meeting went very well, especially since his teacher was new and really didn't know a whole lot about our son yet.

One thing that was especially concerning to me as a teacher is the fact that Davey does not have the hand control to make a simple line or circle on a piece of paper. When instructed to do so, he makes barely legible dots randomly on the paper and then gives up. At four years old, he needs to have this very basic skill in order to start learning how to write the various letters of the alphabet. I am hoping that the ideas the teachers came up with will help him gain the control he needs to master these simple skills.

However, near the end of the meeting, I was feeling pretty good about the direction David and his special education would be taking this year. I just had one more question for his teachers. I knew that this special class he currently attends is only for children age five and under, and I wondered what was going to be next for our Davey. Should we be preparing him to try to attend a "normal" kindergarten class, or would there be a special needs kindergarten class available for him if he needed it? When I presented this question, all the teachers looked at me blankly. Well of course he would be headed to a regular kindergarten class, I was told. Why would I think David needed to go to a different class? I was surprised but said simply that I was not sure based on his autism diagnosis of the previous year. At this bit of news, the teachers just stared at me. Get this - not one of his teachers was aware that David had been diagnosed with high-functioning autism! Granted, they had all noticed that he was a little "off" and thought perhaps he had an attention deficit disorder, but none of them had ever been informed that David is indeed autistic. I was shocked - somehow the information had been lost from point A to point B, and while his teachers have accomplished some amazing things with him this year, I wondered what more could have been done had they known the proper diagnosis??

So now we are facing yet another set of evaluations and tests for David within the next few months. I am so glad I asked that question, and yet I am concerned about what is next for us. Lately our sweet Davey has been having a lot of "sad days" - days in which he has meltdown after meltdown and sits and mopes in a corner for hours. These days are usually triggered by some sort of change - new teacher, new Sunday School class, baby coming, etc. Two of his good friends from his class will be moving up to the integrated class this fall, and I wonder how David will handle it.

Still, despite the worry and anxiety for my little guy, I know that a God much more powerful and greater than all of this is "handling it." He gives us so many promises in the book of Psalms:

"Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." (Psalm 27:14) And what about "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go; I will guide thee with mine eye." (Psalm 32:8) We are beyond thankful that our almighty God is traveling this way with us!

Twenty-One Weeks

(this week I am puppeteering at our church's vacation Bible school, so Sailor Sam had to make an appearance in the photo)

The Baby: She is definitely growing - she now weighs about 3/4 of a pound and is the length of a carrot. She is also quite the acrobat and enjoys keeping Momma up at night with her antics.

Me: I absolutely feel very pregnant at this point, although I know I have a long way to go yet! Each night at VBS, I've been standing on a platform and making Sailor Sam talk and interact with the kids for over two hours. When I get home, I am exhausted and pretty much fall right into bed. Still, despite some of the discomforts, I am thoroughly enjoying feeling baby girl kick and somersault inside me.

The Siblings: All three talk to her a lot. The Beast has a special "telephone" he uses to communicate with Little Sprout. He pretends to hold up a phone, will say "Hello, Baby", and then ask her a question, such as "Do you want to go to McDonalds today?" He usually ends the conversation with "Bye, Baby, talk to you next week!" It is pretty much the most adorable thing I have ever seen. He has also decided that the baby should be named "Annie" and now refers to her as such.

The Plans: I am looking into making my own nursing cover. In the past, I have done the "baby blanket tossed over my shoulder"; but this time around I would really like a proper cover. I found some tutorials that appear to be easy enough to match my sewing skills, but we'll see. I also toyed with the idea of making a diaper bag, since those have long disappeared or gotten destroyed at our house. But I am really not certain I could pull off the kind of bag I want. I did some exploring on Etsy and found some cute ones I really like. They are bookmarked for future purchase. :) Little Sprout will be getting some Etsy goodness soon - I ordered her one of these adorable hats.

Hmmm. . .now let's go see if I can convince all three offspring to take an early nap. . .

Wordless Wednesday - VBS

more wordless fun at 5 Minutes for Mom...

The Saga Completed - Indiana, Ohio, and Home

(If you missed the first two parts of our epic journey, click here and here to read them first).

So we left Nebraska on Thursday night with plans to drive through the night and most of the next day to get to Indiana in time to spend some time with my youngest brother, his wife, and their new little addition. The drive through the night was successful - if you count hitting a raccoon successful. At least we were able to avoid all the deer, and apparently in that part of the country, they are everywhere! It must be a fun deer game to run across the road randomly in the middle of the night.

We reached little brother's house around 4:00 pm the next day. The kids were suitably impressed to see a police car parked in the driveway. (no worries, Uncle Matt was not in trouble - he is a policeman). We spent the evening enjoying grilled burgers, hot dogs, and corn on the cob while the kids tormented the two dogs. I got several chances to love on my newest chunky little nephew and chat it up with my sister-in-law. Although we were all tired, we wanted to spend as much time with family as possible before we had to leave for Ohio in the morning. We hit up the local mall for some play time and went to the Albanese Candy Factory, where the kids oohed and aahed over the chocolate fountain coming down from the ceiling and were thrilled to choose their own special gummy candy to take home.

The next morning, Matt took us to the Jelly Pancake House for a hearty breakfast before we continued our journey to Ohio. Can I just say YUM?! This place had the most amazing breakfast food - I loved my Mediterranean Frittata and my sister-in-law's Captain Crunch encrusted french toast looked divine! I had to get a couple of family pics after breakfast:

**the kids with little Logan**

**Uncle Matt and the offspring**

**me and my bigger little brother**

**my wonderful sis-in-law and me**

So from Indiana we journeyed on to Ohio, a much shorter trip in comparison to all the road time we had clocked already.

We spent the next week at the Nerd's brother's house, playing games and going shopping and running around outside with their newest addition, a tiny puppy named Nora.

We also got what we like to call our "bonus relative" - my older brother was in Columbus for a board game convention so we got to meet up for dinner and chatter. I forgot my camera for that unfortunately and am bummed that I didn't get any pictures of the kids with their Uncle Tom. Next time. . .

My sister-in-law Paula and I logged in a lot of hours shopping and walking around showing off the adorable puppy. On one particular hot day, we took the kids to the local outdoor mall so they could run through the fountains and cool off.

The kids especially enjoyed a Subway picnic at the park too. Our time in Ohio was relaxing and fun, and we got to spend it with the people we love.

All too soon, it was time to leave. Our vacation was over - well, except the fact that we now had to drive all the way back to Oregon! We left Ohio at night and drove over 1200 miles to get back to Nebraska to spend the night with Mom and Dad before finishing our journey. Poor Nerd was completely wiped out at this point and went right to sleep. The kids, Grammy and Pop, and I walked down the street to enjoy some fireworks with friends. Apparently in Nebraska anything and everything is legal when it comes to fireworks; so we saw quite the show. A couple of times I did fear for our lives, but it was fun all the same. We then used the next two days to drive back to Oregon, stopping at a hotel in Idaho for the night and fueling up our bodies and spirits at IHop. We came home to a clean house and a yummy spaghetti dinner, courtesy of my sweet in-laws.

And then we died of exhaustion. No, not really, but let's just say the 4th of July was a big "recovery" day for us. . .

Sewing Class

The Drama Queen has been so excited to have her friend over every day this summer. We have the blessing and privilege to "babysit" her each day.

Each morning, after the kids have done their chores, I have the girls sit down and do some school work to keep their brains sharp during the summer. The Drama Queen is working a lot on her reading and writing, while her friend J. needs more practice on her math skills.

However, one day last week, I decided to give them a break from all the "no, that's not the way you hold your pencil" and "sound it out and see if you can read it"'s to do a different kind of school instead. The girls got to learn some basic skills on the sewing machine!

They each chose some fabric from my stash and with some instruction did most of the sewing on these purses themselves:

(pretty impressive, eh? The Drama Queen's purse is of course the one with frogs and flip flops and jungle animals. J. went a much more girly route.)

Nothing matches that feeling you get when you make something yourself - and are successful at it! The Drama Queen has been taking her purse everywhere - the store, the park, and even to church (it's a perfect size to carry her Bible and offering money).

I guess home ec was a success! Maybe this week we will learn a baking or cooking lesson. They can feed all my pregnancy cravings!

This Week's Favorites

Today I am working on VBS puppet scripts as well as the next few months' curriculum for children's church, but in between the endless typing and the handfuls of dark chocolate raisinettes and the tall cold glasses of lemonade, I've given myself a "break" by catching up on some bloggy reading. Here are a few of my favs this week:

1) a new lunch idea for the kids. The Beast has really been interested in salad lately: so I may give this one a try.

2) a way to make those $2.50 flip flops from Old Navy look way cuter. I want to make these in blue.

3) Jess over at Naptime Diaries shares these sweet thoughts about her sixth anniversary with her man. So thankful for the reminders that true love is a lot more than hugs, kisses, and chocolates!

4) an adorable, chunky-thighed reminder that if we look for the good in life, we will find it

5) why missions and the incredible needs of others can make someone hate their carpet - a thought-provoking article by a favorite blogger of mine, Rachel from No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane.

And now I really must get back to work and pretend that the cheerful sunny outdoors are not calling my name. . .

Twenty Weeks

The Baby: Our cute Little Sprout is now the length of a banana. She enjoys somersaulting, kicking her mother repeatedly in the same spot, and hiccuping.

The Belly: It's growing -what else is new? The Drama Queen tried to climb into my lap the other day and said, "I swear, Mom, your belly gets bigger every day." Thanks, kiddo. Momma's ultra-sensitive hormonal self really needed to hear that.

Me: I have been feeling as if I have been on a cruise ship all week, and not the fun Carnival ones. I constantly feel seasick, as if some strange little being is continually swimming in my insides. Oh wait, there is! Unfortunately the other offspring do not comprehend this fact and love to tackle Momma or insist that Momma carry them upstairs or emit foul-smelling stuff to really set off the nausea. I am thankful that we are not experiencing the heat wave that so many of you are right now. Temperatures are climbing, but I am hoping that they level off soon.

The Siblings: I asked the Spud what was in my tummy the other day, and he responded, "It's a boy, it's a girl, it's Superman!" Ha, funny fellow.

I am officially half-way! The mother-in-law and I went out last week to get Little Sprout some uber cute clothing and returned with a number of pink and gray leopard print numbers as well as her first denim jacket. A sweet friend brought a little infant seat and a pink bouncy seat by - so thoughtful! And, she found the most adorable outfits at a garage sale for Little Sprout. Plans are coming along. But, for now, I am eagerly looking forward to the arrival of little nephew , who is due very soon. Unfortunately his momma is experiencing a severe heat wave, so let's pray she gets to be in an air-conditioned hospital soon. :)

Potty Boot Camp

I really despise potty training. Currently, two little boys are going through this process at our house, and it is exhausting for this preggo momma. There are two different timers set for each boy, and every time they go off, it's time to hoof it to the bathroom and get the kid on the potty, praying that their undies are dry and that they will indeed use the potty as directed. Laundry piles have definitely increased as my patience has decreased. Only the determination that these two little guys will have a handle on this before baby girl is born keeps me going.

Well, that, and the fact that every time I see a cute little bum clad in adorable toddler underwear run by, it makes me grin from ear to ear.

Watch out, potty training! We shall overcome thee!

Wordless Wednesday - S'mores

we may have used a little too much marshmallow. . .

more wordless fun at 5 Minutes for Mom. . .

The Saga Continues: Nebraska

(if you missed the first part of our exciting journey, click here to catch up!)

After we visited the world-famous Carhenge (and bought a bumper sticker to put on our cooler to indeed prove that we had been there), we settled in to some fun days in Alliance. The kidlets spent lots of time in Grammy and Pop's backyard, blowing bubbles, chasing each other with squirt guns, and running through the sprinkler. I explored the town with my mom - you could walk everywhere! We hit up the local thrift stores and scored some major goodies - did I mention I bought all of Little Sprout's crib bedding there for $2.00?!

On Wednesday of that week, we headed out to Scott's Bluff for some sightseeing. This was a landmark for the pioneers that traveled the Oregon Trail (yeah, we sort of did the Oregon Trail thing backwards). We hiked around while I tried not to panic about the kids getting too close to the edge and toppling over.

I did manage to get some decent shots of the beautiful scenery though. The Beast was on the lookout for snakes, although much to the Nerd's disappointment, we never saw a rattlesnake despite all the warning signs. The Drama Queen freaked out about "fire ants" and clung to Grammy's hand the whole time.

It was a beautiful view. Later, we descended the bluff and discovered a small, somewhat decrepit natural history museum. Apparently admission was discounted on Wednesdays; so we went in and viewed the many animals that had been positioned in interesting ways by the taxidermist. For its size, the museum actually housed a lot of animals.

Naturally the kids chose to pose by the lions that had just viciously killed a zebra. It wasn't the goriest scene there, either.

Everybody wants a water buffalo, right? The various mounted heads on particle board gave the place a certain vibe. The kids loved it! The town of Scottsbluff also had a Culvers, which made this pregnant lady quite ecstatic. (I made sure to stop there twice while we were there, so as to get as much frozen custard as possible.)

Then we all piled into the van and drove on to see Chimney Rock. This was also a landmark on the Oregon Trail and was so named because well, someone thought it looked like a chimney. I really don't know how those pioneers ever made it to Oregon. It was a 1,200 mile drive for us from Oregon to Chimney Rock, and we took two days driving 75 miles an hour in an air-conditioned minivan.

The kids enjoyed the Chimney Rock museum, which I personally thought was a total rip-off in regards to the amount of money we had to spend. However, if you like lifting lots of heavy objects and pretending to fill a pioneer wagon, you might feel that you got your money's worth. And obviously, my kids enjoyed that part very much. It was a lot like cleaning up the toys after a busy day, only this time the kids actually picked up the toys without complaining or procrastinating. Wow. Maybe I need to make the toy box look like a big pioneer wagon.

Besides our Oregon Trail adventures, we got to visit the pastor's home for a cookout. The kids were also able to enjoy the many playgrounds there in Alliance. Poor Spud was pretty wiped out by the end of our stay in Nebraska. He fell asleep on the kitchen floor right after he asked Grammy for some cheese balls and was out for quite some time.

The kids enjoyed one more snuggle with Grammy while she read nursery rhymes to them in silly voices. I love this picture - I think it is one of my favorites from the trip. All too soon, we were saying a tearful goodbye and loading up the van at 9:00 pm that Thursday to continue on our journey, this time to Indiana.

And the adventure shall continue - in another post, that is.

Super

Lately I've been finding myself trying to be "super mom." All right - who am I kidding? The attempts started when sweet little Drama Queen was born. This condition has been only exacerbated by reading too many "perfect" mommy blogs or trying to compare myself to other mommies I know.

I think that sometimes I forget that my family is not "their" family. My kids are not "their" kids. God made our family unit unique - and what's right for our family may not necessarily work for another family.

I also need to be reminded (more often than I care to admit!) that I can't do anything without God. Every day is proof that I am painfully human and that I can only "do all things THROUGH Christ which strengtheneth me."

And as I continue on this perilous journey called motherhood, I am discovering that the path that is right for our family is not the popular one. Even amidst Christian circles, the choices we are making as a family draw negative attention and criticism. I used to care about these comments, these harsh words of "constructive criticism." I felt my family should look like and act like and participate in the same things as all the other families in our circle.

More and more, I am realizing that it isn't about me and "fitting in" with others. God's way is perfect. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." (Jeremiah 29:11)

I wish I could say that this momma fully trusts God in every thing, especially the new steps that are coming up in our lives soon. I'm still working on that - but I feel a peace knowing that the decisions we are making are the right ones.

I won't be achieving that "super mom" status any time soon, but I am so thankful I have a super God on which to lean!

Nineteen Weeks

(in case you wondered, my shirt says "Who are these kids, and why are they calling me Mom?")

The Baby: Little Sprout is growing like crazy! Either that, or Momma is indulging way too much. She is now the size of a large heirloom tomato - measuring about six inches long and weighing about eight ounces. She is starting to kick and punch more and more, especially at night time.

Me: I have been the paradox of high energy and no energy these days. I start off most days with great resolve and spend the mornings and earlyafternoons accomplishing a lot of housework and activities with the kids. By late afternoon and evening, I am tired! The other day I sat down for a second while the kids were watching a show and immediately dozed off for about thirty minutes. At night, I try to stay up a little with the Nerd to talk or watch TV, but I usually end up falling asleep pretty quickly. Then I have these crazy, vivid dreams and of course the need to get up several times in the night - so no wonder I'm tired! :) As for food, I am not craving anything weird or unusual. I apparently have had this thing for potatoes lately, as I have made them several times in the last week for dinner. Twice-baked potato casserole and scalloped potatoes are making me hungry right now!

The Siblings: The Drama Queen is beyond excited that she is getting a little sister! Last night, I read to her There's a House Inside My Mommy by Giles Andreae. I asked her what she was going to teach her little sister, as all big sisters have many things to teach little sisters. :) She replied that she would teach Little Sprout to brush her own hair and to keep her hands off her stuff. (heehee) The Drama Queen also got to feel her little sister kick, which was a wondrous thing to her. I think that having this baby a little further apart from the others is so precious - the Drama Queen and the Beast really "get it" this time.

The Plans: I impulsively bought Little Sprout's first outfit yesterday. How adorable is that little elephant and bright polka dot pants? Today my mother-in-law and I are going out to "look at" some more sweet things for the baby. As for names, I am still making lists and tossing names our for the Nerd to ponder. We have actually decided on a middle name - ha! The first name is still up in the air - so many beautiful choices out there!

Well, I'm off to make use of this energy before I lose it! :) happy Friday everyone!

Celebrating the Little Things

We like to make a big deal about little things around here. Everyone gets to have two birthday celebrations each year - once on their birthday and once on their half-birthday. Yesterday was our chance to make the Drama Queen feel special on her 5 1/2 years of life.

First, we went to a local penny carnival . Armed with twenty pennies each, the kids were excited to try their hand at a variety of games.

We exchanged our pennies for tickets and had a blast exploring the carnival. Tossing beanbags, "fishing" for candy, doing a candy walk, tossing rings onto bottles, and more awaited our somewhat rowdy crew. The Beast shut down after just a few games, but he was content to watch the others play. The Spud had a very hard time staying with Momma and waiting his turn in line. The Drama Queen had a great time - especially since a sweet friend was able to join us for our day of fun. With the girls' hard work, they were able to earn enough tickets to score a big candy treat for each kid at the end. The Drama Queen was convinced that the penny carnival was being held just for her. :)

and of course, all birthday celebrations MUST have cake. It's practically the law. The Drama Queen has changed her favorite color to pink and specifically asked me to make a Hello Kitty cake for this occasion. Even the cake inside was bright pink with a rich chocolaty filling.


It may take a little extra effort to celebrate half-birthdays as well as regular birthdays, but I hope that these will be special memories for the kids in years to come. And while they are so little, it is nice for them not to have to wait a WHOLE year before they can have a birthday again. :) What can I say - I'm just a kid at heart! (and I love any and all excuses for more cake!)

Wordless Wednesday - Red, White, and Blue

some sparkler fun on the Fourth!

more wordless fun at 5 Minutes for Mom...

The Saga Begins: Oregon to Nebraska

The Nerd and I stayed up late on Thursday night (June 16), packing and repacking the van and trying to make sure that nothing was forgotten. Thankfully the Nerd has awesome Tetris skills, thus allowing us to include extra pillows and blankets for the kids as well as a giant cooler full of drinks. Tucked here and there were boxes of granola bars, potato chips, pretzels, and fruit snacks; and a "lunch box" awaited with a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. We were set for the adventure of a lifetime! Or something like that.

Early the next morning we loaded up the kids and made sure all the headphones worked. Grandpa had made special road trip bags for each of the kids, and the boys immediately got busy with their glow sticks, flashlights, and toy cars. The Drama Queen attached herself to her DS and we pretty much didn't hear from her for the rest of the day. :) The Nerd had purchased a new updated GPS system, which after hearing her annoying and precise voice, we promptly named "Glados." (Portal fans, you will recognize this name right away; or perhaps you are like me - not at all a fan but still subjected to the voice for hours at a time as your husband saves the world, one portal at a time. ) Glados took us through eastern Oregon, much of Idaho, and then Utah.

We stopped in Ogden, Utah for the night at a nice hotel. And by nice, I mean that we arrived there at 10:00 pm to find the entrance closed off with police tape. "Don't worry," the receptionist reassured us. "We just have to use the back entrance right now because there is a hostage situation in a nearby hotel." Oh, good, and there I was, needlessly worrying about the safety of my family when the gunman was NEXT DOOR. We finally got into our room, where a certain little man felt he needed some room service. Try a granola bar, kiddo. No eggs benedict and $7 packages of candy for you, mister!

Realizing that our troupe of sometimes-not-so-well-behaved children was largely inexperienced in the matters of hotel stays, the Nerd gathered them in for a short meeting on the do's and don'ts of hotel life. Together we learned important lessons such as "don't get up in the middle of the night and make yourself a pot of coffee" (I was seriously bummed on that one!) and "don't shut your brother in the closet and then laugh hysterically." We offered the kids one of the beds, but all three ended up sleeping in various locations in their bed rolls. I think the Beast ended up in the desk chair - that kid's idea of comfort is bizarre at best. Although our bed was large and very comfortable, I didn't sleep a wink all night because I kept imagining our autistic child waking suddenly and just walking right out of the hotel room.

The next morning, we tried to pretend that granola bars are an awesome breakfast and that hotels do indeed have good coffee. Then we loaded up the kids and continued our trek across America. Amazingly up to this point there had been minimal to no complaining from the offspring, and only once had someone dared ask, "Are we there yet?" We spent most of the day driving through Wyoming, although Glados insisted on taking us on a scenic but completely unnecessary detour in Utah. The kids' favorite rest stop was Little America, which, if you believed all the hype on the dozens of billboards leading up to it, should have had its own theme park. However, we were still thankful for the very clean restrooms, the playground for little legs to stretch, and the few interesting things to examine. I posed the crew in front of the Sinclair dinosaur, and why yes, I did make them matching road trip T-shirts to wear. (sometimes I am annoyingly creative like that - Nerd's words, not mine).

Finally, we reached our first destination - Alliance, Nebraska. This town boasts a population of 8,500 people, a lighted fountain, a bizarre attraction known as Carhenge, and most importantly, my parents. :) We attended their small church with them the next day, and after a wonderful church meal of fried chicken and sides, the Nerd and I felt the two long days of driving hit us hard. I believe we spent much of that afternoon dozing off while the kiddos played with their Grammy and Pop. That evening, feeling much revived, we headed off with the family to see the main attraction.

Carhenge is a large structure made entirely out of thirty-eight vehicles positioned to look like the famous Stonehenge. Apparently it was built by an artist and his family in 1987, and since then, many more car art pieces have been added to the property, including these colorful benches made of car parts.

And here it is, for your viewing pleasure - Carhenge! It was certainly an experience to walk around and view all the vehicles perched at odd angles and spray-painted various colors.

The boys were most notably impressed with a car that had been almost completely buried in the ground. Yeah, it doesn't take much for us.

After taking a lot of pictures and being a little crazy at Carhenge, we drove a little further down the road to experience the local rest stop. It was really quite the place, with free WiFi (provided by a toilet paper tube) and immaculate toilet fixtures. Well, if you count hundreds of mushrooms and indescribable stains immaculate. I tried to get the Nerd to go up there for a photo shoot, but obviously it was decided that the preggo lady and her mom would climb on the treacherously damp hay stacks, all for memory's sake.

This post is getting WAY too long, so I shall reserve the rest of our trip for future posts. And, rest assured, it only gets more exciting from here...