I decided, after much deliberation and hem-hawing and twice deleting this post, to write about ONE thing from this past year. It's very personal but somehow I feel I need to share it.
Last year around this time I discovered I was pregnant with Michael. For a month or so, I had been feeling pretty sick and pretty much the way I did with my other two pregnancies. I just didn't want to take the test because taking the test would be concrete proof that I was indeed pregnant. And so when I finally did take the test, I sat there, staring at that big positive sign and wondering how to feel.
We had decided after being completely surprised by David (a very happy surprise I might add!) that we wanted to wait to conceive number three for a least a few more years. Times were (and are!) tight financially, and emotionally we were not ready to add a third child to the mix. But God in all His infinite wisdom had decided that we were indeed ready for another child.
I didn't know how to tell Chris at first; I was pretty sure he was not going to be excited about it! This was supposed to be joyful news to share, but here, on Christmas Eve, I didn't feel a lot of joy about my pregnancy. When I told Chris, he reacted as I thought he would, trying to be upbeat about it; but I could see the stress and worry behind his eyes. I myself was selfishly wanting to have even just a little while that I was not pregnant. For the last three years, I had basically been pregnant most of that time, and they had not been easy pregnancies.
Christmas came, and we couldn't share our baby news with the rest of the family because we still didn't feel "happy" about it. Top that off with a brother-in-law and sister-in-law who have been trying to have a baby for years...and well, that's when the feelings of guilt started to come in.
My pregnancy with Michael was early on fraught with severe morning sickness and pain. I had to start wearing maternity clothes almost immediately, since my body had not yet recovered from the past two pregnancies. But still, a small part of me was already falling in love with this tiny baby inside me. God made pregnancy to be an incredible bonding experience between baby and mommy, which is why I probably came to terms about the whole pregnancy thing a lot quicker than Chris. And when I saw that tiny face on the ultrasound screen and learned we would be adding another little boy to our family, I was hooked! Through the next few months, Michael kept me up late at night with his incessant (and painful!) kicking, but I determined to count all the movement a blessing from God. I began to have panic attacks - what if I miscarried? what if God took the baby away because I hadn't really wanted him at first? God finally brought a peace to my heart through much reading and studying of His Word.
On August 14, 2008, Michael James Foster made his way into our world, one active little guy! I lay in my hospital bed exhausted yet happy and giddy about my newest child. I looked over at Chris and saw that familiar look of love on his face. But he wasn't looking at me - his gaze was fixed on our little Michael. My heart melted. Truly God had blessed us more than we ever deserved!
I can't imagine life without my Mikester! He is a piece of our family that was missing, and I was just too stubborn and selfish to see it at first. I am dedicating this post to my dearest and closest friend. She is one amazing gal - she has been through several miscarriages and is still waiting upon the Lord to bless her and her husband with a sweet baby. And through it all, she has still found the strength to uplift and encourage me during my PREGNANCY! I find that amazing and truly Christ-like.
To her and to all my friends and family who are struggling to have a baby, my prayers are with you all. It is my New Year's "Resolution" to pray daily for you all and to be there for you when you need me.
Sending a lot of baby dust your way.....
Happy New Year,
Jeanette, Chris, Gabi, David, and Michael