I decided, after much deliberation and hem-hawing and twice deleting this post, to write about ONE thing from this past year. It's very personal but somehow I feel I need to share it.
Last year around this time I discovered I was pregnant with Michael. For a month or so, I had been feeling pretty sick and pretty much the way I did with my other two pregnancies. I just didn't want to take the test because taking the test would be concrete proof that I was indeed pregnant. And so when I finally did take the test, I sat there, staring at that big positive sign and wondering how to feel.
We had decided after being completely surprised by David (a very happy surprise I might add!) that we wanted to wait to conceive number three for a least a few more years. Times were (and are!) tight financially, and emotionally we were not ready to add a third child to the mix. But God in all His infinite wisdom had decided that we were indeed ready for another child.
I didn't know how to tell Chris at first; I was pretty sure he was not going to be excited about it! This was supposed to be joyful news to share, but here, on Christmas Eve, I didn't feel a lot of joy about my pregnancy. When I told Chris, he reacted as I thought he would, trying to be upbeat about it; but I could see the stress and worry behind his eyes. I myself was selfishly wanting to have even just a little while that I was not pregnant. For the last three years, I had basically been pregnant most of that time, and they had not been easy pregnancies.
Christmas came, and we couldn't share our baby news with the rest of the family because we still didn't feel "happy" about it. Top that off with a brother-in-law and sister-in-law who have been trying to have a baby for years...and well, that's when the feelings of guilt started to come in.
My pregnancy with Michael was early on fraught with severe morning sickness and pain. I had to start wearing maternity clothes almost immediately, since my body had not yet recovered from the past two pregnancies. But still, a small part of me was already falling in love with this tiny baby inside me. God made pregnancy to be an incredible bonding experience between baby and mommy, which is why I probably came to terms about the whole pregnancy thing a lot quicker than Chris. And when I saw that tiny face on the ultrasound screen and learned we would be adding another little boy to our family, I was hooked! Through the next few months, Michael kept me up late at night with his incessant (and painful!) kicking, but I determined to count all the movement a blessing from God. I began to have panic attacks - what if I miscarried? what if God took the baby away because I hadn't really wanted him at first? God finally brought a peace to my heart through much reading and studying of His Word.
On August 14, 2008, Michael James Foster made his way into our world, one active little guy! I lay in my hospital bed exhausted yet happy and giddy about my newest child. I looked over at Chris and saw that familiar look of love on his face. But he wasn't looking at me - his gaze was fixed on our little Michael. My heart melted. Truly God had blessed us more than we ever deserved!
I can't imagine life without my Mikester! He is a piece of our family that was missing, and I was just too stubborn and selfish to see it at first. I am dedicating this post to my dearest and closest friend. She is one amazing gal - she has been through several miscarriages and is still waiting upon the Lord to bless her and her husband with a sweet baby. And through it all, she has still found the strength to uplift and encourage me during my PREGNANCY! I find that amazing and truly Christ-like.
To her and to all my friends and family who are struggling to have a baby, my prayers are with you all. It is my New Year's "Resolution" to pray daily for you all and to be there for you when you need me.
Sending a lot of baby dust your way.....
Happy New Year,
Jeanette, Chris, Gabi, David, and Michael
This could have been me typing about my second baby, Micah. What a sweet post! I love it! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet post. I know those feelings of not wanting a child and worrying when you got pregnant if you were going to lose it because you didnt want it. MY case was a little different. I got pregnant when shelly was 3 and cried and cried. I did not want that pregnancy. I miscarried very very early into it and i was glad. Four years later I wanted a baby and couldnt have one. We tried for seven years going through invtro and surgeries and God finally blessed us with Tink. But yeah the guilt was there. What if I had wanted that other pregnancy? Would I have had to wait ten years for another one? Only God knows.
ReplyDeleteGive little Mikester a hug for me!
This is so sweet and touching J. It's amazing how pregnancy can be looked on so differently by various people. I recently thought I was pregnant, and the feeling of fear and yet hope was really hard to translate into words. When someone mentioned that it would be "talked about", and NOT in a positive way, it made me really sad. I've been told I shouldn't get pregnant again because of the possible danger to myself. And I definitely want to be around to raise my children. Yet it's not something I can totally give up. I suppose that doesn't make a lot of sense.
ReplyDeleteYour friend is in my prayers. I was like her for many years. We were married almost five years before I was able to have my first, and I watched all my friends have theirs. God has blessed me so much with my three. Which is all the more reason that I should be totally content with what I have I suppose.
what a sweet post. The Lord is good and he knows just what we need, even when it isn't what we want, whether that is a baby or no baby. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I dont know how I have been an encouragment to you in any way but I love those kiddies as if they were my own. Thank you for being such a dear friend. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI posted something for the year I want you to read it is for you!
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ReplyDeleteBeautiful. I have read this post through twice (on two separate occasions), and it has brought me to tears each time. I am both touched and inspired... thanks for sharing your heart.
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