Just to Clear It Up

I had no idea that my last post would generate so many views and so many responses.  Besides comments, I received many Facebook messages and phone calls.  Some were encouraging and supportive; others expressed their concern for me.  After reading through the comments and listening to my messages, it became clear that I wasn't.  Clear, that is.

So, I will do my best to clarify a few things from my previous post in hopes that it will help you all better understand my position.  I certainly don't need everyone to agree with me, and I welcome those with a differing point of view.  After all, that really is part of the journey.

First of all, we had a lot of reasons for leaving our church, but this spiritual journey was not one of them.  I did not leave because I was tired of following all the rules or doing all the right things.  Our leaving the church made some things very apparent in my life that I had to deal with.  This was not the church's fault - but being there did obscure some of the things I needed to address.  We also did not abandon church.  We are regularly attending another local assembly, getting fed in the Word and enjoying the fellowship.

Secondly, although this is an intensely personal quest on some levels, I did open myself up by posting about it on this blog.  I acknowledge that it may have been hurtful to some people, and for that, I am sorry.  I think it is impossible to leave a church family without hurting others, no matter how good your intentions.  I also want my parents to know that I appreciate my upbringing so much.  I always remember feeling safe, happy, and loved as a child, and I think you both did an exceptional job at the whole parenting thing.  As a parent myself, I now know how difficult it can be to try to "do all the right things" when it comes to rearing your children.  It gives me a greater appreciation and understanding of the struggles you faced.  I know this is a scary thing for you because I may come out of this with different views and standards than you.  Please trust that I am seeking God at every point of this experience and that He will guide me in the right way.

I chose to share about my struggles publicly.  Therefore, I know I am opening myself up to both encouragement and criticism.  Please, feel free to address any questions or concerns in the comments below.   I'll do my best to answer, engage in some thoughtful debate, and address any concerns you may have.

I leave you with this verse. "The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness." (Proverbs 15:14)  

Sunday Shorts - Taking Instruction

We all know mothers have a tough job.  Although fathers, grandparents, teachers, friends, and family are all pitching in to help out, mothers tend to take the entire burden of child rearing and child care upon themselves.  They worry about their children's health, well-being, and futures while reading as many parenting and child care books as they can get their hands on.  They talk to their fellow mothers to commiserate and seek out solutions to parenting problems.  Sound familiar?

It's a good thing - this knowledge-seeking.  It means one is not content with where she is at and is searching for instruction to help her improve.  I myself have quite a few of these instruction manuals loaded onto my Kindle, with names like The Power of a Positive Mom and Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World.  The wisdom in these books is powerful and certainly motivating.  But the true instruction manual for life - the go-to book for mothers - is the Bible.  Specifically, books in the Bible like Proverbs tell us to "seek wisdom", to "get understanding", to "attend to wisdom", to "bind it" to our hearts, to "desire wisdom", and to "love instruction."

Here's my Scripture for today:  "Whoso loveth instruction loveth knowledge: but he that hateth reproof is brutish."  I am reminded that God gives us mothers instruction in many ways (like the parenting books mentioned previously).  But sometimes, he uses another person, most likely older and wiser in the ways of mothering, to gently rebuke us or give us "constructive criticism" to get us back on the right path.

I received such correction this weekend.  It was needed - it was kind.  It was from God, and I would be foolish not to listen and heed it. 

What about you?  Are you "loving wisdom" enough to receive it and act upon it?  Are you willing to let go of pride and preconceived ideas to let the LORD work in you as a mother?

"Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee:  rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee." Proverbs 9:8

Teaching to Reach Their Hearts

"You need to treat your brother with kindness."

"God wants us to be cheerful even when we don't get our way."

"We should read our Bibles daily." 

"We go to church every week to learn more about God and to worship Him."

"A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger."

I have said all of these things to my children.  Multiple times, in fact. Sometimes I have said them in utmost sincerity, intentionally teaching and training.  Other times, I admit, I've said them rotely, hardly thinking of what I am saying or the full impact of the words on my children's sensitive hearts and minds.  The teacher in me almost automatically grasps every teachable moment of the day and tries to take advantage of these moments to instill more truth in my children.   

Here's the thing:  all these truths are not the multiplication tables or a list of Spanish vocabulary words.  I cannot say them over and over again, hoping that if I hammer them into my children's minds enough times, they will somehow overflow into my children's hearts and transform them.  If I want to reach their hearts, I have to teach in such a way that will accomplish that goal. 

Our youth pastor spoke to the main congregation last night on the topic of "Teaching the Next Generation."  His fourth point directly addressed what I am talking about here : "You must teach to reach the heart."  He talked about conformity versus tranformation.  A Christian young person can do all the right things and appear to live for God until suddenly, when he graduates from high school, he turns away from God and church.  He has only conformed, for the parents and teachers and pastors in his life have never been able to "teach to reach his heart."  I thought about this, in particular with my children, and thought that if I can just reach their hearts, I can keep their hearts.

After we got home from church and got the children settled in their beds, I felt the need to write down ways I can "teach to reach the hearts" of my children.

1.  I need to spend time with each of my children individually, getting to know them and their interests.  This might mean a lot of Spiderman or trains, but every time I show them that I am open and listening to them, I hope their hearts get a little more tender to listening to God and the Holy Spirit. 

2.  I need to communicate with them often throughout the day and make sure that the bulk of that communication is positive and uplifting.  I would like them to be able to see grace, mercy, and love in me that they might be able to then experience the amazing grace, incredible mercy, and undeserved love of Christ our Lord.

3.  I need to keep my relationship with my Savior fresh and close.  My children need to see me not only immersed in God's Word daily, but also see me seek out God's guidance in situations throughout the day as well as thank and praise Him for all of His blessings too.  The instant I start to let that relationship slide, my children will know, because they will have a mother that is moody, unreasonable, and not Spirit-filled. 

4.  I need to be honest and open with my children.  When I make a mistake, I need to admit it and ask for forgiveness.  My children need to know that I am not perfect and especially that I am not God.  I am teaching them to obey me, but ultimately I want them to learn to obey God and follow His will for their lives.  I pray that someday they will do the right thing not because they fear disappointing me, but because they desire to please Him. 

5.  I need to avoid hypocritical behavior.  I can't tell my children one thing and model something else.  For example, I am pretty restrictive about what my children can watch on Netflix.  If they express a desire to see a forbidden show or movie, I take the time to explain that the language, attitudes, world view, etc. are not God-honoring and therefore not worth our time.  Then, later after the kids go to bed, if I spend time watching shows that have those very elements in them, I am sending a different message to my children.  I am telling them that the things I say and much more importantly, the things God says, are not that important.  Proverbs 23:26 says, "My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways." 

I will be the first to admit that when I look at my list, apprehension, a sense of nervousness, and plain old fear are quick to crowd themselves to the front of my mind.  What if I mess up?  What if I get lazy and forget to be actively instilling these truths in my children? 

Fear and worry do not come from God.  He dispells those emotions with His words of comfort: "Peace be still.  I am with you."  It isn't me - it's Him.  He put these children in my life so that I could take them and point them back to Him.  With His help, I can do this monumental task, that of teaching to reach all the way to their hearts. 

"Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD:  and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.  Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them;  they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate."  Psalm 127:3-5

Reminder Walls

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a very stressful day.  The Spud was pushing every boundary and being pretty obnoxious.  Simple chores were taking three times as long as usual to complete as the Drama Queen sighed and groaned her way through homeschool that morning.  The Beast had already been disciplined twice that day for getting into things he shouldn't have.  Then, right before I packed up all the kids and their stuff to take them to Grandma's for the night (oh glorious day!) I went downstairs and discovered this masterpiece spanning the entire wall in the kids' room.  I turned and saw that the same artist had drawn on every door, every cabinet, the toilet, the shower, the laundry room furniture, and every wall in between. 

I freaked out.  I said a lot of angry words, demanded to know where the instrument of destruction was, was annoyed that yet another thing had disrupted my day.  I looked at the magnitude of the mess, thought of the fact that we rent, not own this place, and panicked.  When the Beast confessed that he had been the one wielding the marker, I lit into him, reminding him that this was not our house and that we take care of things in the house and that this was going to take forever to clean up.  He found the marker for me, and to my great relief, I saw that it was a dry-erase marker and not a
Sharpie, as I had originally thought.  I muttered loudly to myself that "this was the last straw" and "you better feel grateful that I'm still letting you go to Grandma's today." 

Later on, I got out a bucket of soapy water and a sponge and started scrubbing.  It quickly became apparent that although the marker was not permanent, it was going to take a lot of time and elbow grease to clean it up.  I spent a good two hours on it, making little headway down the wall.  I worked on it the next day and tried to have the kids help me.  Now, two weeks later, there are still marks on the wall.  Although they are faded, they are certainly still visible, reminders of what transpired that day, reminders that a mom lost control and said angry and hurtful things.

It's been two weeks, but those words have not been erased or forgotten.  Yes, they have faded somewhat in the midst of the "I love you"s and the bedtime stories and the hugs and the kisses.  Still, the thoughtless words and negative reactions have left an indelible print in my child.  The faded marks on the wall stand as a solemn reminder of how much influence my words have on my children.

I still haven't figured out how to get it all off the wall.  Even my "magic eraser" has failed me this time.  Most likely we will have to paint over it.  In like fashion, I have had to "paint over" my lack of kindness and self-control with the Beast by asking his forgiveness and asking God to forgive me as well.  Colossians 4:6 tells me to "Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man."

I am not a perfect mom and never will be.  But I can tell you this - those marked-up walls have served as an admonition to me to watch my words and my attitude as I work with my children every day. 

Of Changes and Autism

A few weeks ago the Nerd and I met up with all of the Beast's teachers to discuss his IFSP (Individualized Family Service Plan) for the upcoming year. I came prepared with a whole list of questions and things I felt our Beast needed to work on. Overall, the meeting went very well, especially since his teacher was new and really didn't know a whole lot about our son yet.

One thing that was especially concerning to me as a teacher is the fact that Davey does not have the hand control to make a simple line or circle on a piece of paper. When instructed to do so, he makes barely legible dots randomly on the paper and then gives up. At four years old, he needs to have this very basic skill in order to start learning how to write the various letters of the alphabet. I am hoping that the ideas the teachers came up with will help him gain the control he needs to master these simple skills.

However, near the end of the meeting, I was feeling pretty good about the direction David and his special education would be taking this year. I just had one more question for his teachers. I knew that this special class he currently attends is only for children age five and under, and I wondered what was going to be next for our Davey. Should we be preparing him to try to attend a "normal" kindergarten class, or would there be a special needs kindergarten class available for him if he needed it? When I presented this question, all the teachers looked at me blankly. Well of course he would be headed to a regular kindergarten class, I was told. Why would I think David needed to go to a different class? I was surprised but said simply that I was not sure based on his autism diagnosis of the previous year. At this bit of news, the teachers just stared at me. Get this - not one of his teachers was aware that David had been diagnosed with high-functioning autism! Granted, they had all noticed that he was a little "off" and thought perhaps he had an attention deficit disorder, but none of them had ever been informed that David is indeed autistic. I was shocked - somehow the information had been lost from point A to point B, and while his teachers have accomplished some amazing things with him this year, I wondered what more could have been done had they known the proper diagnosis??

So now we are facing yet another set of evaluations and tests for David within the next few months. I am so glad I asked that question, and yet I am concerned about what is next for us. Lately our sweet Davey has been having a lot of "sad days" - days in which he has meltdown after meltdown and sits and mopes in a corner for hours. These days are usually triggered by some sort of change - new teacher, new Sunday School class, baby coming, etc. Two of his good friends from his class will be moving up to the integrated class this fall, and I wonder how David will handle it.

Still, despite the worry and anxiety for my little guy, I know that a God much more powerful and greater than all of this is "handling it." He gives us so many promises in the book of Psalms:

"Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." (Psalm 27:14) And what about "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go; I will guide thee with mine eye." (Psalm 32:8) We are beyond thankful that our almighty God is traveling this way with us!

Remembering

I woke up this morning to sunlight streaming through our tiny bedroom window. It was a glorious sight indeed, as sunshine has been a little scarce around here, oh, just the last SIX MONTHS or so! The joke that Oregonians have to buy a new pair of sunglasses every year because it's been so long since they've worn them last is particularly true this year. :)

Sunshine was also present on the dining room table, where a tray of bright chickie cookies and little blue bunny candies waited to be taken to the Drama Queen's class.

I rejoiced in the sunny smile on my daughter's face when she came out of her room this morning to discover what Momma had made for her class.

Everyone's spirits were high as Momma allowed each of the offspring to have a sugary treat for breakfast - personalized, no less. (shh, don't tell the pediatrician!) The grand moods continued as I loaded the kids into the van and drove the Drama Queen to school with the windows open. The boys wiggled in their seats in anticipation of a day that could finally be spent outdoors.

The trees outside our front window are abundant in vibrant blooms; the daffodils our neighbor planted in great faith are finally poking their brilliant heads toward the sky. A cheerful robin quickly peruses the backyard in search of the perfect worm. It is spring! These sunny scenes around me remind me of what we will be celebrating on Sunday - the fact that Jesus, the Son of God, rose from the dead and gave us the opportunity at a glorious new life with Him! Gladness and songs of praise fill my heart as I ponder these things.

But. Today, commonly referred to as Good Friday, was not full of sunshine or new life so many years ago. Today I think about my Savior suffering for me, being scourged by Pilate, denied by his disciples, mocked by the people, tortured on the cross, and surrounded by common thieves. Yes, I know the wonderful ending to this story, and I am thankful beyond words for it. However, I know that too often I forget the agony and suffering my Savior went through on that day. I pass over it to celebrate the grandeur of his resurrection and neglect to acknowledge the darkness and terribleness of the crucifixion. Today, despite the joyful sunshine outside, I choose to remember. My heart is heavy with the things He endured for me.

Matthew 27:26-54

[26] Then released he Barabbas unto them: and when he had scourged Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified.

[27] Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the common hall, and gathered unto him the whole band of soldiers.
[28] And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe.
[29] And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews!
[30] And they spit upon him, and took the reed, and smote him on the head.
[31] And after that they had mocked him, they took the robe off from him, and put his own raiment on him, and led him away to crucify him.
[32] And as they came out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name: him they compelled to bear his cross.
[33] And when they were come unto a place called Golgotha, that is to say, a place of a skull,
[34] They gave him vinegar to drink mingled with gall: and when he had tasted thereof, he would not drink.
[35] And they crucified him, and parted his garments, casting lots: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, They parted my garments among them, and upon my vesture did they cast lots.
[36] And sitting down they watched him there;
[37] And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS.
[38] Then were there two thieves crucified with him, one on the right hand, and another on the left.
[39] And they that passed by reviled him, wagging their heads,
[40] And saying, Thou that destroyest the temple, and buildest it in three days, save thyself. If thou be the Son of God, come down from the cross.
[41] Likewise also the chief priests mocking him, with the scribes and elders, said,
[42] He saved others; himself he cannot save. If he be the King of Israel, let him now come down from the cross, and we will believe him.
[43] He trusted in God; let him deliver him now, if he will have him: for he said, I am the Son of God.
[44] The thieves also, which were crucified with him, cast the same in his teeth.
[45] Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour.
[46] And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
[47] Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
[48] And straightway one of them ran, and took a sponge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
[49] The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
[50] Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
[51] And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;
[52] And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
[53] And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.
[54] Now when the centurion, and they that were with him, watching Jesus, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they feared greatly, saying, Truly this was the Son of God.

Let us never forget!

Special Times

I am sitting at the kitchen table with all three kids clamoring for my attention. The Drama Queen wants me to confirm that tomorrow is indeed her half-birthday; the Spud is anxious to get down from his high chair. The Beast is demanding that I look at a picture on the wall, and if past behavior is any indication, he will insist that I look at the same picture several more times today.

Although I am subconsciously answering these questions and releasing the Spud from his chair, my real attention is focused on a stack of papers in front of me. Each sheet has the logo ESD emblazoned across the letterhead, and I am trying to find all the "sign here"s and "date here"s. Somehow, seeing all the paperwork that will potentially put our son in special education suddenly makes the whole situation much more real. On one hand, I am excited - eager to get some more answers and to get our Davey the help he needs to function socially.

On the other hand, however, I am also preparing for a very different meeting tonight. Tonight the Nerd and I meet up with the Drama Queen's preschool teacher and discuss "normal" things like where to purchase her uniform, what fun things she is going to get to do in class this year, etc. Tomorrow is the meeting with all the ESD folks, where the discussion will not be so "normal." Tomorrow, they will be deciding whether or not Davey is a candidate for Early Intervention Preschool. Again, I am happy and hoping so much that he will get this help; but it saddens me a little as well. As a mom, I never expected to hear "ESD" or "special education" used to refer to my child.

Strangely enough, it is not really a negative feeling. I feel blessed that God has entrusted us with the task of raising this special child. He must see something in me that I don't - not yet, anyway!

On Thursday, we will be gearing ourselves up for a very busy morning. The Nerd has taken the time off work, and together we and Davey will be meeting with several specialists throughout the morning. These meetings will result in the official diagnosis -Aspergers or otherwise.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and kind comments, dear readers. And local friends, I cannot thank you enough for the many spur-of-the-moment baby-sittings and advice and hugs. :)

God is faithful, and He knows.
"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works, and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when i was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect, and in they book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!" Psalm 139:14-17

Trust

So. Recently I made a big decision. At least, I thought I had made the decision. I analyzed the problem, did a LOT of research in the topic, and consulted with trusted and very respected people. I prayed and sought God's will in it. All done. Finished, right?

But then. . .

I talk to some other people in my life. Others that I also trust and respect immensely. And their advice/opinions clashed with my decision. Suddenly I am second-guessing myself. Did I make the right decision? Since it is still in the "could-be-changed" stage, should I change it?I don't know what to do. It wasn't an easy decision to make in the first place.

I think all the hesitation comes from the fact that it has to do with one of my kids. It's a major step, and the momma in me is eager and yet reluctant to make this decision.

So I cried a lot today. yeah. It's been that kind of day. I went back to the Bible in search of His wisdom. I needed to trust in Him. I found "As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is tried; he is a buckler to all them that put their trust in Him." 2 Samuel 22:31 And in Psalm 37:5, I am reminded to "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."

Yes, my original decision was right. By putting my trust in God, I know that I can trust myself to make good decisions.

It's still hard. And I am sorry to be so vague on this. I will be able to share more next week.

but for now, just trusting...

Another BIG mess

Last Monday, I was pre-rinsing some stained clothing in my utility sink when I heard yelling from upstairs. I left the water running and ran upstairs to investigate and ultimately, referee. When I came back downstairs, I was shocked to see that my big sink had overflowed, flooding my laundry room and the downstairs (carpeted) hallway. It was a BIG mess, resulting in hours with a shop vac, lots of towels, three heated fans, and the replacement of the carpet pad.

A few days later, my charming little boys had been put into their room for "rest time." I was busy helping my daughter organize and decorate her room while routinely checking on the little monsters (which were in no way "resting."!) One time while sticking my head in to say "please be quiet" and "try to rest, guys!", I was horrified to discover that the boys had been in their diapers and had been spreading the contents on the walls, the carpet, their beds, their clothes, etc. It was a BIG mess, resulting in hours with a carpet cleaner, a LONG bath for the boys, lots of scrubbing, and throwing away a few toys.

The following week, I made the amateur mistake of thinking I could quickly run to the bathroom while the kids were playing in the living room. I came back to the living room to see that the Beast had found a tube of my yellow paint and had squirted it everywhere - the couch, the recliner, the carpet, his clothes, etc. It was a BIG mess, resulting in hours with a carpet cleaner, lots of scrubbing the leather couches, and painstakingly cleaning some electronic equipment.

The following day, I had the privilege to be kid-free! as I attended our annual Ladies' Conference. I gleaned so much from the conference that I am still sorting through it in my head and heart as I strive to make changes in my life for Him. One particular session, called "Blush", reminded me of yet another BIG mess in my life. Only this time, I hadn't taken care of this mess right away. Imagine if I had left those carpets to soak? Or if I had waited to clean the boys' artwork in their room? And yet, I had been ignoring my OWN mess in my life - that of television:

I knew that I watched an unhealthy amount of television each day, and what's worse was the fact that I was becoming desensitized to filthy language, inappropriate behavior, etc. That day I made a commitment to take a break from TV for one full week (my kids too!) and spend the week evaluating EVERY show I typically watch.

I am realizing more and more this week that almost ALL of the shows I watch are not appropriate. I am especially convicted by the number of reality tv shows that I watch. Here I am, being entertained by someone else's "real" life, when I could be helping or edifying someone in REAL life.

It's definitely going to be a journey, and not an easy one at that. But God's help and this scripture: "I will set no wicked thing before my eyes" (Psalm 101:3) will carry me through. It's time to clean up this BIG mess!