Peace

A few months ago, I finally allowed my life to slow down enough to actually experience it.  I focused on living in the moment and enjoying each one of my children.

 

I was surprised that with the calm of a new schedule came disturbing thoughts and feelings.  Annoyed, I pushed them away and fell back into my usual routine.  It was comfortable and familiar and fit me like that cozy hoodie I've had for ages.  I embraced being overly busy, because then I wouldn't have to face the words that kept whispering in my head.

 

The Holy Spirit was persistent though.  He was not going to let go that easily.  He continued to nudge me and prod me.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, He was doing the same to my husband. 

 

We had become too comfortable in our lives.  We had fallen into a rut of going through the motions.  Service and ministry were done as just another chore on the long list of things today. 

 

God was making us UNCOMFORTABLE.  I didn't like it.  The safe, familiar places of my life, like our church and my husband's job, were becoming decidedly awkward and ill-fitting. 

 

We could have pushed down the discomfort again.  I wanted to, so desperately.  I wanted to cling to what I knew.  But what I knew didn't feel right anymore.

 

We made some big decisions to change our lives.  Together, we determined to embrace the discomfort that was sure to come.

 

I have never been so at peace and yet so uneasy.  There is grief at letting go of the familiar.  There is sadness in saying goodbye to the well-known.  There is nervousness at what the future holds. 

 

Last night, I sat in my car after an intense workout at the gym, crying and trying to process all the things that we have been working through.  I flipped through my playlist on my phone and found an old favorite album by FFH. 

 

The song "Lord, Move, or Move Me" came on.  Like the Lord intended, it was a balm to my spirit and an encouragement to my soul. 

 

"I can't find the words to pray,

I'm a little down today.

Can you help me?

Can you hold me?

I feel like a million miles away

And I don't know what to say.

Can you hear me anyway?

What I need is for you to reach out your hand

You have taught me,

No matter what, you'd understand.

 

Lord, move in a way, that I've never seen before,

'Cause there's a mountain in the way, and a lock on the door.

I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore,

So Lord move, or move me.

 

I've looked everywhere to find

A simple peace of mind,

I can't find nothing on my own.

So I got to leave myself behind

Take up this cross of mine

Give away everything I hold onto.

 

Out of this place of complacency

To a place of fellowship with thee

"Cause I am weak, but LORD, you are so strong,

And you know it's been way too long."

 

I have no idea what's ahead.  I know it won't be comfortable.  I know it won't be easy.

 

But I have peace. 

(linking up today with Passionate and Creative Homemaking's Beautiful Thursdays)